What now?...

Welcome back everyone to my blog.

For the past few days something has been eating at me and I just need to write it out and ask for your help in regards to what steps should I take next.

I’ve talked about this with some of my friends and they all have told me the same thing basically.

But, knowing myself I am stubborn as all hell, and just want the best for everything.

So, let me start from the beginning, I was blessed to find out over 2 years ago that after introducing 2 friends to one another, they developed a love for each other to the point they are getting married this year. I am ecstatic to know that they are moving forward for a happy life together.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid for the wedding and felt completely honored, even though I live very far away from them, I made my best effort to be involved. Just this past fall I started school again after 8 years, and to be honest, it’s been one hell of a journey. I haven’t gone out for a long time and I’ve come to terms of that being alright, entertaining myself other ways besides studying and homework.

Anyways, so the wedding is a destination wedding. I was excited to go somewhere else and be apart of something very special, unfortunately, the cards were not in my deck to be able to go. I took a few days to analyze in full detail as to, if I could be able to afford to go, and to my dismay, my odds were not looking well for me. I wanted to be sure that I took EVERYTHING into account as to how I could possibly make it, but to my defeat, I simply could not.

It was hard telling one of my closest friends, the bride, that I could not make it to her destination wedding. The day I finally told her, I was kinda put on the spot and wanted to call her so that it would be more sincere, however I was trying to study for my midterm, I had to respond either yes or no if I was able to go, I texted no…

She was upset, and I do not blame her for that, it’s an important day for her. I know I let her down, I let myself down…. Needless to say, I could not focus on my midterm, thus failing it.

About 2 weeks pass and as you know from my last blog post, I lost my aunt to Cancer. That was rough, especially since I had presentations and reports to be done with no exception of delays. I did everything I could to keep my chin up and move forward… even having the weight of disappointing one of my close friends, and losing my aunt.

Weeks passed…. I don’t really get mad at people, even if they have wronged me. But to be honest, I have not heard from the bride since my aunt’s passing…. I understand she is busy with the wedding, I understand she stresses easily. I get that, I do as well. However, the #1 thing that bothers me to this very moment is that she has not taken any time in these past few weeks to text me, “Hey I hope you’re doing alright.” Or sending some sort of support…. she hasn’t even sent her condolences, and she knew my aunt passed away….

This is what hurts me more…and at this point, if I confront her, I will feel as though it’s being forced for her to show consideration now…. I don’t think it’s necessary to go and beg for someone’s condolences, especially if you hold their friendship dearly to you…. This has kept me up at night, crying into my pillow, wondering, is me missing her wedding suddenly make me button of scum to her now? I mean she has told me she was busy…. but I know it doesn’t take much to open your phone, and text “Hey I know I’m busy but know I am thinking of you.” Even that would have sufficed, because then I would feel like she cares…. I don’t know at this point….

If she reads this, I can only speculate how she will react… But I just want her to know that I’m not mad…. I’m hurt, truly hurt. When a friend is going through a high level of stress, it’s only considerable to see if they are doing well… Social media always portraits a pretty picture, and I’ve just been doing that to keep myself afloat and try to see the light through this time of darkness….

I mean, even my professors and classmates, who barely know me still ask me how I’ve been doing…. What does that tell me?

I…. I don’t know what to think, I thought we were best friends… I hold her and her fiancé in such high regards and love them both very much. I know I let her down not being able to go to her destination wedding, but, she has also let me down…. I don’t think I have more rights than she does, I never think that. But, priorities…. If your friends are going through a rough time, it’s only courtesy to check up on them once in awhile no?

She accused me of not being better at communication with her about me not being able to go, that I should have told her right away… True, but I also wanted to be 110% sure before telling her. But it looks like it’s going both ways at this point.

I lost my aunt… now I think I just lost one of my best friends in the same goddamn month….

It fucking hurts… and I don’t know how to fix this.