“Let it ...” “Go fuck yourself Elsa.”

Sounds ever so simple doesn’t it? As is most of life’s phrases to help ease a complicated chapter in our lives. To simply “let it go” is just something we have always told ourselves to make that decision and proceed. Simple, yet such an effort to practice.

This morning I woke up feeling positive, my to do list of today’s task were ready to cease. I looked at my phone and the first thing I noticed was the date; my heart began to sink, my nerves tremble and my eyes fill with tears. The memories had started to flourish through my mind like the Spanish bull run, this is where over thinking quickly overcame the memories, asking myself questions, giving myself doubt and discomfort in my very being.

A year ago I was doing quite well for myself, physically, mentally, personally and professionally, I was happy. Things were going well, which is always nice when life is on your side isn’t it? Then, the following weeks brought me confusion, fear and worthlessness, yet happiness for a few days at a time, this dragged on until New Years day in 2015.

To let go of what happened, when it started on this day a year ago, there I was, in my room waking up to somehow such a heavy depressive state. I didn’t know how to shake the memories, the happiness sharply taken away with a cut of a knife on fine ribbon, only to have that ribbon sown back together quickly, and then sliced again. How could I be still sad over it when it was a year ago? Shouldn’t I have let it go by now? Working, volunteering and school I thought that I made myself stronger to wipe this matter from my mind. Simply seeing today’s date, was clear confirmation that I had no closure.

Worst thing was, I was never given closure from the situation, and I was denied it and left to bleed out from the wolf’s bite. Many have been able to obtain closure on their own, and I’m proud and envious of these folks, oh how I wish I could simply look back and just laugh, slap on my eyeliner and continue my destined road.

So, will I ever get over it? Hmmm, maybe not, but life goes on. I feel like justice on my terms have not been met, I read articles of rape, domestic violence and murder cases suffer the same blow, no closure, no justice for the victims. Mind you the justice system is quite fucked up so perhaps that is a wrong comparison. However the only comparison I could make would be the emotions, the devastation that when something terrible occurs, those should be held to justice right? “Karma is a bitch.” They say, well, Karma is not really in my favor as I will never know or see the justice that would suffice.

I’m possibly sounding quite vindictive on this subject, well truth us, I am.

*sigh* I don’t wish harm or a painful death or anything relevant to that. It would be satisfying to know that what happened to me, has not been forgotten by the other party, that somewhere in their conscience, they feel some association of guilt. Honestly, if they had felt guilty of this, and it haunts them as much as they haunted my mind to this day. I’d be content.

Sadly, I’ll never know this. Life goes on. Whether I would want death or something ridiculous, what will it bring in the end? The memories are still as fresh as the wound; playing on loop… it’s frustrating.

This is what sucks the most, remembering almost all details and yet have been forgotten as a human being... This is the sting deep down.

You begin to question your worthiness and confidence; I know I did this for quite a few months.

Now, I can admit that I am at least physically, personally and professionally content where I stand now, new chapters are opening as I type and am excited to start.

“Let it go.” Well, I’m trying… I won’t sing the damn song (I’ve never even seen the movie) but I am doing my best.

I’ve been told before as well that if there are some things that you cannot simply “let go.” Then perhaps not force to quickly let go, but deal with them accordingly. Basically, we are in control of our thoughts, actions and words. The best thing in advice that I was given in relation to this specific situation, is that I must be able to handle this on my own. Whether I ever will find closure or not, whether I will finally let it go or not. It’s up to me, to determine how I will act upon it and deal with it to fit my mind and not obstruct my life’s path. I just hope it will not be the same reaction next year.

So, if any of you can relate, that sometimes things cannot be just "letting it go", the very least we can do is learn through advice and wisdom on how we are going to harness the emotions that follows the depressive cloud bubbles above our heads. It really is hard to let go, but at least I’m stronger than I was then, and can at least wipe the tears away and continue today’s tasks like I initially planned to. It still hurts, a lot, but bottling it up all inside is the absolute worst thing to do, so I made it my next blog post, mostly because I'm not the only one on this.

Hope all of you guys had a wonderful and great weekend.